BIG BAD PAPERS

January, 2012

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I am at Peace

This is a person at peace.

This is a person who feels peace.

If all people were at peace it might feel a little odd to try and makes sense

We might just speak in nonsense

In blubbers and actions for god sake

I want to be at peace, but sometimes

I want my frustration,

My anger,

My voice

To make you uncomfortable and I want to make myself feel

Uncomfortable

This is a person at peace.

This is a person in pieces.

This is a person who went down to the river,

To sing a song about peace, but felt like tying

Rocks to his feet so when he went to swim in the river

He wouldn’t be able to get out. 

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I Feel Sick

Sometimes I feel sick,

I feel the transient air in my

Stomach, and see the blue

And green down by my feet

Without an experience which

Has a fault of its own

-

So what if I felt sick today

Or yesterday

Or the time before yesterday which would

Complete three malicious days

Of the way that discharge flows through

My sweet, kind, insufferable persona

 -

The craze of the windows, Oh,

How they crackle when the earth

Fights back from the pressure on its

Head

Its head is sick also

My head is sick

Time is slow, Earth is healing

-

Exposure never will feel this great

Even if I had found it in a crate

Next to my bed while I complain

About the privilege I have to be sick

Without fleeting into an unknown 

Filed under Poetry Life I Feel Sick

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Xiu Xiu, “Nina”

Xiu Xiu creates a hole and then leaves you with minimal light at the top. This is the darkest record I have stumbled upon since the first time I heard Greed by Swans. The only thing I could imagine was a man listening to a jazz record will slowly dying of a gun shoot wound. Jamie Stewarts vocals sound tortured; psychologically and physically. I can’t help but to feel immense sorrow every time he sings a line. The instrumentation sounds distant, but raw and blunt at the same time. Almost as if you were listening to a vinyl record at full volume.

The album is a cover album. An album that compiles Nina Simone songs. A popular jazz artist of the mid-20th century. The instrumentation is done with traditional instruments, as appose to the electronic production that Xiu Xiu has associated himself with in past years. The instrumentation is perfectly executed with minimal mistake. Xiu Xiu sounds like an experienced jazz group on this record.

One of the most enjoyable aspects of this record is how Xiu Xiu jumps from minimal compositions to complex jazz groves throughout the record. They play their instruments with true genius and passion. The album is musically intriguing. Each note is dire to the album as a whole. Each song swiftly goes into one another, as if the band was turning the page of one’s book.

For me, Stewart’s vocal delivery was what kept me completely engulfed in the record. As mentioned before, Stewart sounds like he is in physical pain. This matched up with the melancholy nature of Simone’s lyricism gives the songs a rundown, or out of luck feeling. A suicidal feeling, where the only next step is death.

Overall Xiu Xiu delivers what I think to be a feat in experimental, and jazz music. 

Filed under Nina Simone Xiu Xiu Jamie Stewart Music Review Life

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Diary Entry #1

During the last five minutes I have decided that it would be beneficial for me to start a diary. However, by saying that I am starting “a diary” it suggest that I am going to talk about the feelings that I experienced during the day. This may lead to exaggeration. I experience too many feelings for me to actually express them in a concise manner. And since I have a multitude of feelings it would difficult for me to remember the ones that were most interesting. Which would evoke me to either exaggerate the ones I can remember, or create feelings that seem interesting.

With this in mind I get the feeling that my project will either be too over the top, or lack a certain type of interest in my reader. Anyway, I will proceed with the project on the basis that I don’t care about the readers feelings towards my writings (or towards my own feelings).

January 5, 2014

Today I woke up around 2:30 in the afternoon. A rather odd time to wake up for me personally. It may or may not be odd for other people, depending on their own personal lives. I then went into my kitchen to make myself coffee and microwaved waffles. The coffee was to strong and the waffles felt stale. I did not complain about this at the time, but thinking about it in retrospect I wish I would have made the effort to eat a more comfortable meal. Maybe I could have made eggs and bacon, or I could have taken a walk to the General Store to get a sandwich and fresh coffee. There is no saying that these things would have made anything better, but like I said before, it might have been more comfortable.

Today I didn’t really do anything significant. I made the effort to talk to someone who has supposed feelings towards me. This made me feel incredibly awkward. I don’t like striking up conversation through the digital format of Facebook messenger, but I was at a loss for what to do. Before doing that I had just taken a nap, and got mad at myself for taking a nap a four o’clock in the afternoon after I had only woken up a few hours earlier. The conversation went on smoothly. There wasn’t much for me to say, and there wasn’t much for her to say. I eventually ended it with a goodbye only because a conversation dying out naturally feels incredibly odd for me.

I would say that I have been a child towards my emotions recently. While studying at school this past semester I exclusively focused on school, work and other specific hobbies. I didn’t want to form a new relationship with anyone. Since it is human nature for humans to interact I did continue to speak with my friends, and even made a couple new friendships. It was nothing labor intensive. I have not thought about my intimate feelings towards others. I have almost curbed overt sexual thoughts. As I clam up and get embarrassed when someone mentions something sex related. I do not discuss my longings for sex or women to my friends. Since I have never had any sexual feelings towards males, and I am afraid of my sexual feelings towards women I have convinced myself that I am asexual. With that being stated I am at a point in my existence where I have to either overcome my fear, or accept my perceived sexuality. It would be incredibly unhealthy to go on trying to live either way. Since I have no desire to fix this problem I will probably let it sit for a while.

Later tonight I am supposed to see a friend before she goes back to school. I have seen her two times in total on her break. It is ending early for her due to the fact that she wants to join a sisterhood on her school’s campus. Better known as a Sorority. I could go into what a Sorority is or what it constitutes, but I am assuming if you are reading this you probably have the means to research that question.

I do not support her decision. I have not told her that, but I think that she knows just from knowing me. It is not exactly upsetting to me, but rather disappointing. It is not disappointing because I dislike Sorority’s, but because she feels like she needs to expand her social presence on her school campus artificially.

I see her as a nervous soul. Someone who doesn’t enjoy experimentation, because she does not know the ending result.

She is incredibly talented in academics, and in drawing. I have her art work hanging on the walls of my bedroom, and I have never finished a piece of writing without giving it to her. I deeply value her opinion. Since she has left it has almost been losing a whole half of me. A side that was practical. Right now I feel like I am losing my only friendship that was based on feeling.